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February 10^th

Today, after 6 months of working in village at my dispensaire, I saw my first HIV positive test.

Every Monday, women come in groups of about 20 to the dispensaire for CPN (Consultation Prenatale). It is recommend that each woman attend at least 4 during their pregnancy. Here, they receive regular check ups on their pregnancy and receive free medication to prevent the transmission of malaria from the mother to the fetus. Also, during their first visit, they are given an HIV test.

Today a woman came in a brought her partner with her. He’s only the second man I’ve ever seen come in to have an HIV test. When I typed up the end of the year reports for 2013, I recorded that less than 

1% of male partners come to the dispensaire to be tested for HIV.

I was beaming with pride for this happy couple. Honestly, I was fighting the urge to tell him how great it was that he came in with her. Usually during these routine visits, I take a back seat and let my accoucheuse and matrone do the work. I help where I can, and correct them if I feel it’s needed, but this is their job and their community. I am at the dispensaire for assistance and learning until my time is absorbed into other things.

The woman there for CPN went through the normal examination, and he had his test done while he waited. I glanced over at their tests and noticed one had two lines, instead of the usually one. I looked over to my accoucheuse and asked if it was positive. Her and the matrone exchanged glances and she told me that yes, the woman was positive.

It was then, that I realized I had secretly wished it was the man. Not because I have anything against Togolese men, or men in general (I like you guys a lot). It’s because now this woman doesn’t only have to feel responsible for her own life, but also her child’s. HIV now affects both of their futures. And that of any other future children she wishes to have. I’ve seen families with over 10 children here. Will this woman have to worry about this 10 times?

When she sat down after her exam, they explained to her that she had HIV, but her white blood cell count wasn’t at a dangerous level yet. They told her about the options for preventing it’s transmission to the baby and a lot of other things in Kabiye I couldn’t put together.

As the situation plays about before my eyes, I expect to see a reaction of devastation or concern or shame. And there’s nothing. I was searching for some kind of hint about what she felt or what she understood. I wanted to ask if she was scared. And explain that you can live a long life with HIV as long as you take care of yourself.  And that if handled correctly, her baby won’t get it.

But she just remained calm and took in everything the accoucheuse was saying to her. It’s like this news came as no surprise.

It was the same with her partner. When he walked in and discussed the steps she would have to take, also nothing. I wanted to tell him she was still the woman he loved and that they could continue enjoying each other with safe methods. And that their baby could be healthy.

At the end of the talks, the couple left just as quietly as they had come. I spent the rest of the time during CPN running through scenarios in my mind of how this plays out. If they stay together. If the baby is positive or negative. If she does everything right and lives a long life. If she has more babies.

I don’t know if it was the positive mark that affected me so much, or the concern that maybe they didn’t understand the gravity of what this positive mark meant.

The reality is. I have no idea. I have no clue whatsoever about the personal workings of that family and how this will affect them. And I would say it’s really none of my business…

But it is.

It’s a huge part of why I’m here. To understand what people know about HIV. How to prevent getting it. How to prevent giving it. What it means to be positive and how that affects your future.

All day, my mind has kept going back to that woman. I try to think of reasons why she had no reaction. Whether it’s lack of understanding. Or if it’s being faced with a disease like that here comes as no surprise. Or if there’s worse things she’s been through. Or whether she actually understood everything completely and just has a serene disposition.

I don’t want to make any assumptions while I’m here. But I do want to learn.

I really want to make the effort to take on others perspectives here. Especially in these situations. Where doing so may give me some kind of insight into just how I can try to help.

Wishing for mind reading powers,

Kumealo